


Light of my Life (Unedited)

by Alyssa_85



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Reality, Arguing, Best Friends, Fights, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Heartache, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-27
Updated: 2015-05-14
Packaged: 2018-03-25 19:00:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3821308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alyssa_85/pseuds/Alyssa_85
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil had been friends since the moment they first met. It was inevitable that as they grew, their friendship would grow stronger. But lately, something just wasn't right. They were distant, their little bickers were becoming heated, and more angry. Dan couldn't help but feel like Phil was pulling away, and that there was nothing he could do about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "I think we need some time apart."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to say this as an overall thought: I suck at writing arguments.

Phil sat on his bed, his breathing heavy from the shouting match he and Dan had been in just a few minutes before hand. He couldn't fathom what was going on between them, everyday the arguing just got worse. It was always about stupid little things. Dan was constantly getting angry at Phil, and vice versa. It was a never ending cycle of one of the men walking away with silent tears running down their face. This argument, it had been Dan. The worst thing, Phil thought, was the fact he didn't feel guilty. Phil wasn't even slightly sad about making his best friend walk away in tears, and that scared him. It scared him that if this had happened two weeks ago, he would of begged Dan to stop crying the minute he had started. Phil closed his eyes, trying to block out the sobs from Dan's room.

***Flashback to earlier that day***

_"For fucksake, Phil!" Dan shouted._

_Phil rolled his eyes. "What now?"_

_"You ate all my cereal again." Dan stormed into the front room, brandishing an empty box of cereal around._

_"It's just cereal, Dan. Maybe if you got off your lazy arse once in a while, you could go buy yourself some more."_

_"Or, you could go replace the one you fucking ate." Dan knew Phil eating his cereal had been long running joke between the best friends, but this time around it actually made him physically angry. He couldn't explain the feelings that were running around inside his body. "Or, here's another suggestion, you stop eating my cereal?!" Dan shouted._

_If Dan had shouted at Phil two weeks previous, he would of flinched and been hurt, but right now it didn't phase him. He just carried on staring at the screen of his laptop. "Oh, Dan. Stop being such a big baby, it's sad."_

_"I'm not a baby, I just hate it when you eat my fucking cereal. You have your own."_

_"Yours is nicer," Phil said casually._

_It seemed Phil was trying to calm the heated conversation down, but that infuriated Dan more. He gritted his teeth. "You're the worst fucking person to live with." This was another joke between the boys, they had said it to each other so many times, but this time it was different. This time, a part of Dan had actually meant the words that had escaped his lips._

_"You think it's easy living with you?" Phil retorted, shoving his laptop beside him and looking at Dan for the first time that conversation._

_"It's probably easier than living with you."_

_"Wrong. You're so fucking needy it's embarrassing. Your existential crisis' are pathetic. If I wasn't such a good friend, I'd punch you square in the face every time you start acting like a big fucking baby. Sometimes, it amazes me you can even handle living without your parents. You rely on me way too much, you fucking suffocate me, Dan. Learn to stand on your own two fucking feet." Phil stood up now, feeling a sense of pride at Dan's poker face. "You need to grow up, Dan. I'm getting really sick of your shit."_

_Dan stared at Phil for a couple more seconds before the tears started, and he walked away to his room, slamming the door behind him._

***End of flashback***

Phil reopened his eyes when he heard a light knock on his door. 'Had Dan come here expecting an apology?' Phil thought.

"Come in," he called.

Dan opened the door, his eyes were red and puffy and his cheeks had obvious tear trails down them. "Hey," he said sheepishly.

"What do you want, Dan?" Phil looked almost bored.

"I'm sorry."

Phil made sudden eye-contact with the brunette in his doorway. "Are you though? Because I feel like that's a phrase we've used way too much these past weeks. It's starting to lose meaning."

"I'm sorry," he repeated, dropping his gaze to the floor. "I'm sorry I'm such a pain. I'm sorry I keep starting stupid, unnecessary fights."

"I guess I'm sorry too." He wasn't. He didn't feel any remorse for the things he'd said.

"Want to watch a film?" Dan asked, smiling. 

Phil's heart fluttered at the dimple by Dan's mouth, but still he didn't want to be around Dan. Phil shook his head. "I'm good here, thanks."

Dan's smile faltered. "Oh, okay."

For a split second, Phil's hard posture broke. The look on Dan's face was the first thing that day that had actually hurt Phil. The pure agony in Dan's voice was like a stab in the chest for Phil.

"I'll see you later then," Dan said, before walking away and closing the door.

Phil rubbed his hands softly over his face, sighing loudly.

* * *

Dan sat on the sofa, staring idly into space. He knew deep down that Phil hadn't forgiven him for once again starting a fight over something as stupid as eaten cereal. He wanted desperately to go to Phil's room, and snuggle up to him on his bed. The way they had solved every fight, but he couldn't. He knew if he even tried, Phil would just get more angry with him, and everything would just be made worse. Dan didn't bother putting a film on, instead, he sat in silence, listening for any signs of Phil moving around his room. Much to his dismay, there wasn't.

* * *

Later that day, when Phil was sure Dan had gone to bed, he got up out of bed and headed into the living room. Except, Dan wasn't in bed. He was curled up in a ball on the sofa, his face resting on his hands. Phil couldn't see if Dan's eyes were open so he called out, when there was no answer his edged closer. Dan's eyes were shut, and his breathing was steady. Phil's heart fluttered as he watching his best friend sleeping peacefully. "I'm sorry, Dan." He leant forwards, and softly pressed his lips to Dan's forehead. "I'm really, really sorry." Phil stood up from his crouched position on the floor, threw a small cover over Dan, grabbed his coat and wallet then slipped quietly out of their shared flat.

Due to it being late at night, the air was chilly. He pulled his coat tighter around his slender body. Despite the fact it made him slightly nervous, Phil was glad for the completely empty streets. It was easier to think when cars weren't flying by and God knows how many miles per hour. As Phil walked down the pathway, his scuffed his feet across the ground, kicking stones as he went. Phil, unlike Dan, actually liked the journey to and from their closest all-night supermarket. He found it relaxing, especially in the chilly night air.

* * *

The next day, Dan woke late into the morning. The curtains were all shut, and the only light in the room was the tetris lights. Dan swung his legs off the sofa, the blanket he'd felt Phil lay over him the night before, dropping off. Dan walked into the kitchen. There, on the breakfast bar, were two boxes of his favourite cereal, with a note. He picked up the note. "I brought you cereal as an apology. I won't eat it, I promise." Dan read aloud. He couldn't keep the smile from spreading across his face. He wandered to Phil's bedroom door and knocked. "Phil, you awake?"

"Yeah, come in," Phil grumbled. Dan opened the door. Phil was tangled in his duvet, his eyes squinting in Dan's direction.

"Morning," Dan said.

"Morning." Phil smiled a little. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah. Thanks for the blanket." Dan grinned. "And the cereal."

Phil lifted the covers up and patted the bed beside him. Dan immediately padded over and got under the covers with Phil. They positioned themselves into their normal cuddling state, with Dan as the big spoon, and Phil as the little.

"I'm really sorry about yesterday," Phil said into the silence.

"I know. I am too." Dan pulled Phil tighter into his chest.

"What happened with us, Dan?"

Dan's breath hitched. He knew the question was one both boys had wanted to ask the other, but neither had had the courage too. Until now.

"We've been at each other's throats non-stop for the past, like, two weeks."

"I don't know, Phil," Dan answered honestly.

Phil rolled over so he was facing Dan. They stayed quiet for a while, just staring into each other's eyes. In that moment, if you walked in on them, you'd never believe they were just friends. The way they got lost in each other's eyes, surely this had to be more than a friendship? "I think we need some time apart," Phil said suddenly.

"What?" Dan's eyes widened.

"I think it'll do us some good." Phil de-tangled himself from Dan, and sat up. "Some time apart will help us remember what we used to have."

Dan lay on his back, staring up into the blue eyes of Phil. "I don't want time apart." He said.

"I feel if we carry on the way we are, we'll have an argument so big that our friendship will be unrepairable. I don't want that, Dan."

"I don't want either of us to leave. This is our home, Phil."

"It doesn't feel like it any more," Phil mumbled, looking away from Dan to avoid the hurt expression that spread across his face.

"If you feel that way, go." Dan stood up fast, and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Phil stared at the door until he heard a familiar tune from Dan's room. He was playing his piano. I leant my head against the wall that parted our rooms, tears falling down my cheeks. Phil could tell Dan was throwing every bit of emotion into his music. He slid down the wall, hands pressed against it. "Dan," he whispered.

* * *

Dan played the last note of the tune he'd been playing. He closed the lid of the piano, and leant his head against it. "Why would he want to leave me? Is he really that unhappy?" He asked himself, tears slipping from his brown eyes. Dan stood up from his piano stool, walked over to the wall, sat down on the floor and rested his hand on the wall. Little did he know, it was parallel with Phil's. They both sat their hands against their respective walls. "Phil," Dan whispered.

* * *

 

In that moment, both boys had never felt so alone. Neither knew the other was in the exact same position on the other side of the wall. Neither heard the other whisper the other's name, purely heartbroken. Neither could see the other cry.

 


	2. "You may not need me, but I need you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is super short, so sorry for that. The next chapter will hopefully be longer.

Phil folded the last of his clothes into a suitcase, closed the top then did the zip up. Dan was hovering in the doorway, just watching. He hadn't said anything to Phil since he'd left his room the previous day, he'd just been watching him closely.

"Dan, could you help me please, can you see anything else I need?" Phil asked.

"Yeah, I see something."

"Where?"

He pointed at himself. "Here. You need me," Dan mumbled, keeping his eyes locked with those of his best friend. His eyes were watering, for what seemed the one hundredth time that day alone.

"Dan, please. Don't make this any harder than it already is," he pleaded, standing up.

Dan spun on his heel, and began to walk away. Phil didn't bother stopping him, he just watched him walk away down the hallway towards the lounge. Phil turned round to look at his room. He wasn't used to seeing it so neat. His drawers were all closed, his bed was made and all his little trinkets had been packed away in his suitcases for him to transfer them easily to the hotel he'd be staying at until he found a cheap place to live while him and Dan sorted things out. Phil ran his fingertips over the smoothed out duvet. "This is it. I can do this," he said to himself.

* * *

Dan wiped his face with a tissue. He had told himself he wouldn't cry about this any more, Phil had made his decision. It was all bullshit obviously. He would never stop trying to change Phil's mind about it. He couldn't lose the only best friend he'd ever had. He couldn't lose the only person he'd ever loved. Loved. That was the exact reason this bothered Dan so much, he loved Phil. Not just as a friend, but as more. There had always been a little bit more than friendship between them, neither spoke about it, but they both felt it.

"I have to tell him, maybe he won't leave," Dan whispered to himself. "But what if that makes him want to leave more? What if that drives him further away?" Dan ran his fingers through his hair. His decision was made when he heard Phil's door close softly. "This is it. I can do this," Dan said.

Phil rolled his two suitcases into the living room. "Well, I'm going now."

His red, puffy eyes were the first thing Dan noticed about him. "Do you have to?" Dan asked, staring up at him.

"Dan, I can't be here any more. It's not good for either of us."

"It's good for me." Dan dropped his gaze to Phil's feet.

"No it's not. Can you honestly tell me you're happy?" Phil's voice was soft, and comforting.

"Yes. You make me happy, Phil. You have since the moment I found you on Youtube all those years ago. Not a minute goes by when I regret ever meeting you. I can't lose you now."

"Dan, I don't regret it either. I'm glad we found each other. I'm glad for you, Dan. I've never been more thankful for a person, than I am for you."

"Then why are you leaving me?" Dan's voice cracked. He was really struggling to keep the tears back.

Phil sat down beside Dan on the sofa. "I'm not leaving you, Dan. I would never leave you."

"You are leaving me though. You're all packed up and ready to go."

"I'm leaving this house, Dan. I'm not leaving you. I'll always be just a phone call away."

"This house if our home, Phil."

"As I told you last night, it doesn't feel like it. Not any more." Phil rested his hand on Dan's shoulder, but he shook it off.

"Don't touch me."

"Dan, it's what's best."

"No. You're wrong. These past few weeks have been awful for both of us, but this is still your home. I love you, Phil. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. When I said you need me, I was lying. You don't need me, you never have. But, I need you. I need you so badly, Phil. You complete me. Who the hell am I without you? I had a little hole in my heart, you filled that fucking hole, Phil." Tears were streaming down Dan's face by then. He was crying so hard the last few words were barely audible.

"I love you too, Dan. You're my best friend, and nothing will change that. I just need to do this. I've gotta go my own way, I've gotta do what's best for me."

"But what about me? What am I supposed to do?"

"Dan, you'll be fine. I know it's going to be difficult at first, but it'll get better."

"I mean it, Phil. You may not need me, but I need you."

"Dan, you don't need any one. You're a big boy now." Phil wrapped an arm around Dan's shoulder. "You can do this, Dan."

Dan didn't say anything, so Phil leant over and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "I'm sorry." He stood up from the sofa, grabbed his suitcases and walked away.

"Please, don't go!" Dan shouted as Phil opened the front door. He paused for a few seconds, then left closing the door behind him.

The minute the door closed, Dan broke down. He cried so hard he felt his throat turn raw, he was clammy and uncomfortable. He just couldn't stop himself. For him, it felt like his heart had just been ripped out of his chest with bare hands. He curled up into a foetus position and sobbed into a pillow. Dan had just lost the light of his life, and he didn't think anything could ever make it better. In that state of mind, he cried himself into a deep slumber.

* * *

Phil dropped his suitcase on the floor of the hotel room. He had missed Dan the minute the door had closed behind him. Since the day he met Dan, he never thought he'd have to know what it was like to not be with him any more. He'd thought about it, obviously, but never imagined for a minute he'd have to live through it. It was one of those things he used to think about at night, and every time he did he'd want to cry at the thought alone. And now, here he is, lost. Without Dan. His Dan.

As Phil lay on his bed that night, he opened the videos folder on his phone. He scrolled through them till he found the one he wanted. One of Dan playing his piano. Dan hadn't known Phil was recording him and that, to Phil, was what made it all that more beautiful. It was a natural, heartfelt piece. He pressed play, and fell asleep listening to Dan's beautiful music. For the first time in a long time, Phil fell asleep smiling.


	3. "I just feel..." "Numb."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written on my iPod, and I'm not brilliant at it, so it's really not edited. I'll fully edit it when I get home in a few days. Hope you enjoy!

Phil woke up early the next morning, momentarily forgetting where he was. He rubbed his eyes warily, looking around the dingy hotel he was in.

“Dammit,” he muttered when he noticed his phone had died over night. He fished his charger from one of the suitcases, plugged it into the wall and into his phone. He had several missed calls, a few voice mails and almost thirty texts. All from Dan. Despite saying he was only a phone call away, Phil didn't really want to talk to Dan, he didn't want to risk hearing his voice and just running back out of weakness. They needed this. He needed this. For the first time in a long time, Phil was taking care of his own needs before someone else's, and he felt pretty damn awful about it.

* * *

Dan picked his phone up for what seemed the one hundredth time, hoping that even though he hadn't heard it go off, Phil had contacted him. He sighed, seeing that he had no texts nor missed calls. He'd called Phil many times, sometimes even leaving a message in hope that he would come back.

 The flat was lonely for Dan without Phil around. Phil was always walking around humming a tune of some sort, and making endless cups of hot chocolate or tea. Phil had been gone less than twenty-four hours and Dan already missed him terribly. Dan always felt like nothing when Phil wasn't there to remind him that he was in fact, so much more. Phil always kept Dan above average when it came to happiness, and now, without him, Dan is below.

 He slumped back on the sofa, his laptop on his lap. “How are the fans going to react when they hear that Phil and I aren't really friends anymore?” Dan mumbled to himself as he scrolled through the many comments on the latest video he and Phil had made together.

* * *

 Phil paced across the hotel room, willing himself to just call Dan. He wanted desperately to know Dan was doing okay, and to tell Dan that he was okay too. Phil knew that Dan never managed well when Phil went away. He ran his fingers through his bed hair, trying to smoothen down the manic mess of hair.

"Just one phone call won't hurt, will it?” He asked himself. “No, I can't.” Phil shook his head. “I need to know he's alright.” He grabbed his phone, dialled Dan’s number, then pressed call.

* * *

 Dan was in the kitchen making himself a hot chocolate when his phone rang, he dropped the spoon in the cup and made a break for it, but before he could get there, the phone stopped ringing. He picked it up, one missed call. “Fuck,” he muttered. Dan didn't waste anytime in calling Phil back, he flattened his hair slightly, as if Phil was going to be able to see him. The phone rang a few times, but Phil didn't pick up. Dan kept the phone pressed tightly to his ear, but no answer came.

* * *

 “What am I doing? I'm giving myself some space, why should I call him? It's his fault I need space in the first place,” Phil groaned to himself. He pressed the end call button, then threw his phone on the soft bed. “Dan needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. I'm not his babysitter, I'm his friend.” Friend. Phil hated that word. He knew, as well as the next person, that Dan was much more than a friend to him. His heart lurched slightly.

 There's a thin line between platonic and unplatonic friends, and Dan and Phil had passed that line a long time ago. Since the first time Phil had laid eyes on Dan in person, he knew that the brown eyed boy was his soul mate. But he also knew that Dan had no feelings other than friendship towards him.

 It was a difficult situation, being in love with your best friend, but it's even worse when you're in love with you best friend who won't stop making arguments over stupid things. Granted, Phil had started a few himself, but no where near as many as Dan had. Phil thought back to the first argument they'd had.

 

**_Flashback start_ **

 “Phiil,” Dan whined.

 Phil pulled his headphones out, and turned to face Dan. “Yeah?”

 “Can you make some tea please?”

 Phil frowned. “Why can't you make your own tea?”

 “You make it much nicer.”

 This time, Phil grinned. “Fine. I'll be back in a minute.”

Phil stood up from his chair, and walked into the kitchen. He made Dan and himself a cup of tea, then headed back to Dan.

“Thanks,” Dan said as Phil passed him his cup. Phil stayed in front of Dan, grinning slightly.

“Aren't you going to drink it?” He asked.

Dan’s eyebrows furrowed. “What did you do?”

“Nothing,” Phil replied, innocently smiling.

Dan pushed the mug to his lips, and took a sip, he immediately spat it out back into the mug. “What the fuck, Phil? Salt? Really? How fucking immature are you?” He shouted, placing his mug on the coffee table.

Phil flinched at Dan's loudness, and words. “It was just a joke, Dan.”

“Pretty shit joke. You're such an arsehole, Phil.”

Phil held back tears, Dan had never got angry at him over something so stupid.

“I'm so sick of your immature ‘pranks’.” Dan air-quoted the last word.

Phil didn't know what to say, so he turned on his heel and began to walk away. Dan gripped his wrist.

"Don't walk away when I'm talking to you.”

“You're hurting me,” Phil whispered, trying to pull his wrist from Dan’s tight grip.

Dan looked down at his hand, and let go instantly. His face had softened. “I'm so sorry, Phil.”

‘No. You can't just yell at me for no reason, then say sorry. It doesn't work like that Dan.’ Is what Phil wanted to say, instead though, he bit his tongue and walked away.

He slammed his door, and began crying. Why the hell had Dan acted that way? He cried, and cried until he couldn't cry anymore. Phil looked down at his wrist. He had red finger marks from where Dan had grabbed his wrist. He rubbed them slightly.

  _ **Flashback end**_

 

That was the end of their happy friendship. After that half-argument, Dan and Phil’s friendship deteriorated.

* * *

 Dan sat watching the TV, fiddling idly with his hands. A nervous gesture. Dan was always nervous when he hadn't heard from Phil for a long time, the worst scenarios running through his brain. Apart from the lost phone call earlier that day, Dan hadn't heard a peep from Phil and it terrified him.

Dan always felt like he was lost when Phil wasn't around to guide him. He never really knew what to do with himself.

Dan switched the TV to mute, just listening to the sounds of the empty flat he had once shared with Phil. He'd tried putting on music to drown out the silentness, but that only managed to make him feel even more lonely. He'd tried playing his piano, but all that did was make him think of all the times Phil had just listened quietly to him playing. Dan had even tried just playing video games, but he couldn't concentrate. He just felt empty.

Dan sat with the TV still muted, his mind wandering to Phil. What was he doing? How was he feeling? Was he okay? Dan didn't think he should care, Phil left him. He'd abandoned him. But he did care. He cared way too much.

* * *

 Phil lay back on his hotel bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking about crazy ‘what if’ situations. He was doing anything he possibly could in order to not let his mind wonder to his brown haired best friend.

After Dan's thirtieth phone call, he resorted in turning his phone off, blocking himself from the outside world. He didn't feel like talking to anyone.

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and shoved his head in his hands, groaning. “It's been less than twenty-four hours and I already want to go home.”

Surprisingly for Phil, he had yet to properly cry about the situation. He knew how much he missed Dan, but he also knew he was doing what was best for their friendship. He didn't have to cry, it wouldn't make this any easier.

Eventually, Phil decided to go out and get some food. He got his money and left the hotel room.

* * *

 Dan was taking Phil leaving a lot harder than he ever imagined possible. He didn't have the strength to do anything. He wasn't hungry, or thirsty. He wasn't even bored. He couldn't concentrate, he was just… Lost.

Dan stood leaning against the kitchen counter, staring down at the boiling kettle. Even though he didn't feel thirsty, he needed something to do that didn't take a lot of concentration or effort. He'd filled the cup with copious amounts of coffee, in a hope it would wake him up slightly. When the kettle was boiled, he tipped the water into his mug and stirred throughly, then took a sip. He grimaced. “This is disgusting,”’he muttered. “Where's Phil when I need him? Oh right.” He poured the contents of the mug into the sink and put the mug in the dish washer.

* * *

 “Hey, Phil!” James, one of Phil's friends called. Phil groaned. He'd really hoped he wouldn't bump into anyone who he knew. He didn't feel like talking to anyone. He just wanted to eat and go back to the hotel room, but he turns round and smiled nonetheless.

“Hey, Jay.”

“How are you, man?”

“I'm,” Phil stopped. He didn't know what he was. Was he happy? Sad? He himself couldn't tell his feelings. “Fine.”

“Well that's bullshit,” James said instantly, seeing straight through Phil.

“No really, I'm fine.”

“How about we sit down together and you tell me all about it,” he suggested through furrowed eyebrows.

James was the person Phil called every time he and Dan had an argument. He was the only other person who knew about all the fights they were having. Phil sighed.

“Alright.”

James and Phil sat opposite at a table with their food. Phil didn't think he wanted to talk about all the things he hadn't actually told Jay, but the minute he started talking he couldn't stop. He ranted about every little thing he could think of, while James sat quietly listening and nodding when he needed Phil to know he understood.

“Wow, I didn't realise how much I had to say on the matter.”

“So, how are you feeling?”

“Happy. No, sad. Oh, I don't know. I have no idea what I'm actually feeling at the moment, I'm just…” Phil trailed off, not knowing how to describe it.

“Numb,” Jay finished for him.

"Exactly. I feel numb. As if real emotions aren't going on in me right now.”

“I'm sorry you're having a hard time, Phil. I really wish I could make things better for you.” Jay smiled at him.

“Thanks for listening, Jay.” James rested his hand a top of Phil's in a friendly way.

“Anytime.”

* * *

 Lonely. The only thought running through Dan's head. He was lonely. Obviously Phil wasn't his only friend, but didn't want anyone else around him, he just wanted Phil.

Dan wandered down the park path, hands in his pockets, the wind blowing his hair around. He watched the birds flying over head, smiling. He'd always loved walks through the park when he was feeling down, and today was no exception. The fresh air made him feel less sad, and more awake.

"Dan! Oh my god, it's Dan!” Dan heard some girl shriek. Fans.

“Brilliant,” he mumbled.

“Can we get a picture?” The girl asked once she was in front of him.

“Sure.” The three girls gathered around him, he forced a smile waiting for their mother, or something, to take the picture.

“Where's Phil? Is he here too?” Dan felt a pang in his chest.

“No he's not.” Dan ignored the first question entirely.

“Oh. Well thanks for the picture! Say hi to Phil for us, please?”

“Of course.” He smiled another fake smile as the girls walked away waving happily.

Dan was happy he was kind of a good actor, and managed to hide away how unhappy he was.

* * *

 Phil sat at the small desk in his hotel room, scrolling through Twitter. He followed so many fans it wasn't a surprise when he saw hundreds of pictures of Dan popping up every now and then, but one in particular caught his eye. ‘OMG I MET @DANISNOTONFIRE TODAY. WHERE WAS PHIL THO?’ the caption read. Phil felt his heart lurch.

“Oh god,” Phil muttered. He felt his eyes water. Dan looked awful. His eyes were red, and bloodshot. He had huge, bigger than usual, bags under them. His hair wasn't its usual perfect style, it was messy and half unstraightened. “I need to call him.”

Phil grabbed his phone and switched it on. His phone was bombarded with texts and missed calls. All from Dan. “No. I'm not caving in.” Frustrated, Phil threw his phone on the bed.

* * *

 That night, both men went to bed the other on their mind, neither knowing how the other was truly feeling at that point. Phil didn't know how Dan was slowly, figuratively, losing his mind. Dan didn't know that Phil was beginning to feel mostly okay with his decision. After all, it was for the best. Right?


	4. "Promise me you won't do anything stupid?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Mentions of self-harm.
> 
> Okay, I have a two notes for this chapter.  
> 1\. I hate this chapter quite a lot.  
> 2\. I have no real idea how Louise talks, or where she lives in comparison to Dan and Phil.

It had been a week and half since Phil left Dan. Phil was slowly feeling better about it, but Dan was getting worse. Dan was miserable, he had barely got out of bed since the park incident. Dan knew Phil would've seen the picture, and through his fake smile he had plastered across his face, yet he hadn't called. Dan couldn't help but feel Phil didn't care. Phil, on the other hand, was doing okay. He was still sad, but he was making the most of the time he had on his own. He'd filmed a small video, edited and posted it. He didn't reveal his location, much to the disappointment of his fans. Dan and Phil still hadn't told the fans about the fact they weren't speaking. It was their little secret.

* * *

  **Dan's POV**

I sat up in bed, duvet around around my waist. My room was cold, but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything. I'd stopped calling Phil. I'd stopped calling anyone. In fact, my phone had been discarded on the coffee table in the front room since the day I went for a walk in the park. I finally realised that day that Phil wasn't going to contact me. It was clear.

My laptop rested on my covers, open on YouTube. I was watching Phil's latest video. He looked great. Happier than I'd ever seen him by the looks of it. He just sat there, grinning happily at the camera, just talking about random things. I wanted to cry, but ll possible tears had fallen already. I was literally cried out. I didn't even know that was possible.

"For fucks sake, Phil," I muttered, slamming the lid of my laptop. "Why did you stay with me for so long? Why did you make me fall in love with you?" I screamed, pulling at my hair. I wasn't sad any more, I was angry. I wanted to know the answer to every question that had been running through my brain since Phil left. It's clear I only ever brought him down, why didn't he leave sooner? Why couldn't he of made the blow of him leaving less painful?

"I hate him," I concluded, clamping my fists so tightly my nails drew blood from the palm. I ignored the throbbing pain from my palms, laid down and went back to sleep.

* * *

** Phil's POV **

I sat on James' sofa, waiting for him to return with our teas. I've been doing good for the past few days, Dan only running through my head a few times a day. That was the only time I ever felt down, and wanted to crawl back to the apartment.

I smiled as James walked back into the living room, two cups of tea in hand. He passed me a green mug, and sat down beside me. I took a sip from my mug, revelling in the taste. James grinned at me, chuckling slightly.

"It was nice of you to pop by, Phil," he said, clutching his white mug.

"Sorry, I hope it wasn't too much of an inconvenience," I replied.

"Not at all. Honestly, it was a nice surprise."

"I'm glad. Thank for the tea by the way."

"No problem. How are you?" He sipped his tea.

"Honestly, I'm doing good," I replied, smiling.

"I can see. You look a damn sight better than you did last time we met. You've been sleeping well I presume?"

"Yeah, I guess. The hotel's bed is slightly uncomfortable, but it's bearable."

"You're welcome to stay here, you know? Free of charge."

"Thanks, Jay, but I'm going to stay where I am. I don't really feel like having another house mate in the time being. I need my space." I took another sip of my tea.

"That's fair enough. As long as you're getting better."

"I am. Really."

"I hate to ask this, and I wouldn't if I didn't deem necessary, but have you spoken to Dan lately?"

I shook my head. "No, why?"

"I presume you've seen the picture of him at the park with some fans?"

"Yeah." I sipped again, trying to avoid his eye contact.

"He looked awful, Phil. How did you not notice that?"

"It's not my fault," I retorted, looking down at my mug.

"I know it's not, but why don't you just talk to him? It might make him feel a bit better?"

"No. I refuse. I don't want to make him feel better. I'm sick of putting him first!" I shouted, clutching my mug so hard I thought it was going to smash in my hands.

"Calm down, Phil. It was only a suggestion." He put a comforting hand on my arm.

"I'm sorry. It's just frustrating. Everyone's saying the exact same thing. I'm fucking sick of it. Why doesn't anyone care about my happiness? Why is it always about Dan's?"

James took my mug from my hands and put it down with his. "Come here." He opened his arms, signalling for me to hug him. I did. As soon as his arms wrapped around me, the tears started falling. I sobbed into James' shoulder. It was the first time since I left Dan that I had properly cried about the situation. It felt good. James' hand ran up and down my back in a soothing motion, trying to calm me down.

"Feel better?" He asked, smiling.

I pulled away and wiped my eyes. "Yeah, thanks." I sniffed.

"Any time. Want another tea?"

I shook my head. "No thanks, I'm going to head off." I got up off the sofa. "I'll see you soon, Jay. Thanks again."

"Always here, Phil."

I walked out of the living room, waving at the red head on the sofa who was smiling, tears in his eyes.

I had never been so thankful for James, he was no Dan, but he was pretty damn close.

* * *

**Dan's POV**

I wandered around my empty apartment. _My_. I hated that. It used to be ours, mine and Phil's.

I was stared out of the window, lost in thought when my phone rang. I sprang up from the windowsill, then ran to it. I knew it wouldn't be Phil, but I was lonely. I needed human interaction, desperately. It was Louise.

I answered the phone. "Hello."

"Hey, Dan," Louise greeted. "Haven't heard from you for a while, just ringing to see if you're okay. So, are you okay?"

"Can we meet up?" I asked, playing with the curls on my head. The curls Phil loved. My heart pang in my chest.

"I take it that you're not okay?"

"Just meet me somewhere as soon as possible?"

"Dan, I'd love too, but I'm in Southend with Zoe. I'm coming home tomorrow, I'll straight to your place."

I sighed. "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Where's Phil?" The dreaded question.

I hung up. I didn't want to recite where Phil was, because as last time I was asked, I didn't know. I didn't have a fucking clue.

I wanted pizza. Badly. I ordered myself a fourteen inch, and waited patiently for it to arrive. As soon as I paid for the pizza, I ran back to my apartment and tucked in. I'd missed food. It felt like I hadn't eaten properly for days. Well, I hadn't but that wasn't the point.

I ravished the pizza, leaving nothing but an empty, greasy box. I rubbed my stomach, feeling kind of sick.

"Why did I eat so much?" I grumbled, clenching my eyes shut.

Eventually, I got up to wash my hands. Only when I was about to run my hands under the water did I notice the dried blood on my palms from clenching my fists earlier that day. I hadn't realised how deep the gouges were. I covered the red marks with fabric plasters, overcome with the memory of Phil cleaning me up after an accident in the kitchen.

 

** Flashback start **

I sat at the breakfast bar, slicing an apple with a knife. Phil was bustling around making himself a bowl of cereal.

"Hey, Phil?"

"Wassup?"

"Can we go to Starbucks today?"

"Sure, but for what reason?"

"I just fancy a trip to Starbucks."

"Alright, sounds good. We'll go at eleven."

"Cool."

Phil placed his bowl down on the breakfast bar, sat down beside me and poked me in the side. "You and your Starbucks." He grinned, poking my side more. As I squealed and moved away from his prodding fingers, the knife I was holding sliced my finger.

"Fuck, Phil!" I shouted, clutching my finger.

"Dan, I'm sorry!" Phil gushed, dropping his spoon in the bowl.

Blood dripped through my fingers, and onto my lap. Phil grabbed my shoulders and turned me to look at him. 

"Do you need the hospital?"

"No. I'm sure a plaster will be fine."

"Let me get you one. Come to the bathroom with me."

I raised my eyebrows and smirked playfully.

"This is no time to joke, Howell. You're bleeding out."

"Alright. Alright."

I followed Phil into our bathroom.

"Sit down," he ordered.

I took a seat on the toilet seat and waited while Phil fished out the first aid kit. He pulled out some large plasters and an antiseptic wipe. "This'll sting okay?" I nodded my head, and clenched my eyes shut. My trousers were slightly damp from blood, and my finger throbbed. Phil lightly took my hand and wiped the cut, I winced and whimpered. It hurt like a bitch.

"Shh, it's okay, Dan." Phil ruffled my hair, causing me to glare slightly at him. "I'm all done." Phil disposed of the antiseptic wipe in the bin and then grabbed the plaster. He opened it swiftly, wrapped it around my finger and smoothed down the edges. "Does it feel better?"

"A little," I replied. I didn't want to cry, I never cried, but I hadn't been in this much pain for a long time. I couldn't help the tears falling as my finger throbbed, the blood from the cut already showing through the plaster.

"Oh, Dan. I'm so sorry." Phil wrapped his arms around me, and rubbed my back lightly. "It was an accident, I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I replied, wrapping my arms around him.

** Flashback over **

 

I wiped the tears that had spilt over. It was the first time in about a week I'd cried over him. I thought, after eating, that I would feel at least a little better. I couldn't help the memory slipping back. I looked down at the finger with the faint scar from that day and frowned. Everything reminded me of him, and I hated it. I pressed hard on the cuts on my palm, trying to push the pain from memories of Phil into physical pain. It was easier to handle.

* * *

** Phil's POV **

It had been a long day, and crying had worn me out. I was laying back on my bed, music blasting through my headphones. I tapped my foot along to the song, humming it lightly. I'd completely zoned out, the music succeeding in pulling me from reality. Unfortunately, that didn't last long. My phone began to ring, quieting my music. Without looking at caller ID, I answered.

"Hello?"

"Philip, what's going on with Dan?"

I groaned. "Don't call me Philip, Louise."

"Answer my question. Why was he so desperate to see me today?"

I closed my eyes. "I don't know. Ask him."

"He hung up on me."

"Not my problem," I replied, starting to feel uncomfortable.

"Phil, what did you do this time?" She asked, in an accusing tone.

My eyes snapped open in anger. "What the hell do you mean?"

"Dan doesn't usually come across as vulnerable to anyone but you, yet, he sounded completely vulnerable on the phone today. Where are you and why aren't you comforting your best friend?"

"Why is it always my fucking job to cheer him up? Why can't I get away from the topic of Dan for two seconds? I'm so fucking done." I was holding my phone so tightly my knuckles had gone white.

"Jesus, Phil. What's your problem?"

"You. Dan. Anyone who thinks I have to cheer Dan up any time he's sad. It's not my problem. And, not that it's any of your business, but Dan isn't my best friend."

"What's happened between you and Dan?" She questioned, her tone softer this time.

"You're Dan's friend, ask him." With that, I hung up. How dare she accuse Dan's sadness on me! Who did she think she was?

* * *

** Dan's POV **

I heard a knock on the door, so I went to answer it, not caring about my awful appearance.

"Hey, Dan." It was James, one of Phil's friends.

"Oh. Um, hi?"

"Can I come in?"

"Uh, sure." I stepped aside. He walked past me, and stood awkwardly in the hallway. "Tea? Coffee? Something else?"

"No thanks, I just want a quick word."

"Okay. Come sit down at least."

"Sure thing."

I lead James into the front room. I sat down on the sofa, whilst he sat on the floor looking up at me.

"You're welcome to sit on a chair, there's plenty of them," I said.

"I'm alright down here, thanks."

"Okay then. What is it you needed?"

"I just wanted to know how you are. I know we're not really friends, but I'm worried. Not only about you, but Phil too."

"Is Phil okay?" I asked quickly, my heart racing in my chest.

"As far as he says, he's fine. I don't quite believe him though. Today we were talking about the picture you had taken with a fan, I told him to talk to you to make sure you're really okay and he broke. He cried into my shoulder for a good ten minutes."

"Oh. He really doesn't want to talk to me, does he?"

"Not right now. He's stopped himself from calling you many times. Anyway, I'm not here to talk about Phil. I'm here to talk about you."

"What about me?" I questioned, wiping my clammy hands on my jeans.

"The bags under your eyes, the unstraightened hair, the obvious weight loss, the fake smiles; Dan, you're a mess."

"Gee, thanks." I cracked a small smile, which he returned.

"I don't want you, or Phil, to do anything stupid out of anger, or sadness."

"Like what?"

"Self-harm, mostly."

I looked down at the plasters on my palm, and lightly closed my fist. "I would never."

James' face dropped, he was frowning at me. I didn't want to hear the words that I knew were about to come out of his mouth. I had repressed memories, that I desperately didn't want resurfacing. Unfortunately, he said them.

"Do you think Phil would?"

"I really don't want to think about that, James." I clenched my eyes shut.

"I need you to be honest with me, Dan. Do you think Phil would hurt himself on purpose?"

My composure broke, and I nodded, the memory flooding back.

 

** Flashback start **

I walked into Phil's room, he was sat with his back to the door. His headphones were in, and he head was rested in his hands. I edged forwards, and touched his shoulder lightly. He jumped slightly, then ripped his headphones out.

"Dan, you scared me!" He shouted. At first, I thought he was laughing, but then I noticed is face. He had been crying, and he was angry at me.

"What's wrong?" I asked, my head cocked to the side.

"Nothing," he replied, wiping his face. "Sorry I snapped at you."

"Tell me what's wrong, Phil."

Phil rubbed one of his wrists, eyes on the floor, refusing to look at me.

"Phil?"

"Oh, Dan. I'm so sorry. I've been such a bad friend!" He cried, tears running down his cheeks.

I climbed over his bed and pulled him into my chest, my arms wrapped protectively around him. "What are you talking about, Phil?" I rubbed his back as he sobbed into my chest.

"I didn't mean it to go this far. It started small, and progressively got worse. I couldn't stop myself, I'm so sorry."

"You're worrying me, Phil. What's happened?"

He pulled away and shook his head, smiling. "It's nothing."

"Don't lie to me, Phil. Tell me what's happened."

"I can't. You'll hate me."

"Phil, I could never hate you."

"You'd think I'm weak. Who wants to be friends with a pathetic loser?" He once again rubbed his wrist lightly.

I was catching on. I took his hand in mine, much to his dismay, then lifted his sleeve. He squirmed, trying to pull his hand from my grip as I stared at the scars, and fresh cuts. My breath caught in my throat, and tears formed in my eyes.

"Oh, Phil." I hugged him tightly, scared that if I let go he'd fall to pieces.

"I'm sorry, Dan."

"You have nothing to apologise for, Phil. Why didn't you tell me what was going on?"

"I didn't want to be a burden."

"I want to help you, Phil. You'll never be a burden to me. I'll help you the best I can to get through this. You're not alone, Phil."

"I'm not?" He looked up at me, his blue eyes leaking salty tears.

"I'm right here," I whispered, my own tears falling down my cheeks. Phil nuzzled his head into my chest, crying quietly. I pressed a light kiss to the top of his head, keeping my arms tightly around him.

** Flashback over **

 

I had tears falling down my face. James just stared up at me, frowning. It was evident he was trying not the cry himself.

"You don't think he-"

"No," I interjected. "He never once tried to commit suicide."

"Thank god. Thanks for your help, Dan." He stood up and began to walk away.

"James?" I called after him.

"Yeah?" He turned to look at me.

"Thanks for trying to get Phil to talk to me. It means a lot."

He smiled faintly. "Sure thing. Oh, and Dan?"

"Uh huh?"

"Promise me you won't do anything stupid?"

"I promise, James. Thanks."

"See you around."

* * *

That night, both Dan and Phil went to bed with a mixture of anger and sadness running through their veins.

Dan hadn't given much of a thought to how Phil was feeling about all this. After all, he was the one that walked away. He regretted ever remembering the horrible memory. He thought he didn't care about Phil any more, but the truth is, he cares more than ever. Dan didn't know what he'd do if he ever found out Phil had relapsed. He didn't think he would ever be able to forgive himself for pushing Phil to it. Dan curled up in bed, drifting in and out of consciousness.

Phil just seemed angry at the world. Angry at anyone who he ever put before himself when it came to feelings. With an exception of James, how many people had actually put his feelings first? How many of those people he called 'friends' thought about his feelings over their own? None, is the answer. Not one single person.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you guys think of James? I quite like him personally.


	5. "You're the light of my life, Phil."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make this a mixture of emotional, romantic and a little (I mean a tiny bit) sexual.

**\- 2 weeks later-**

 

"What do I do?" Phil asked.

"I say, go  few more days then call him. You need to think about yourself more, Phil. If you weren't happy in the situation, you're a big man for walking away," James answered. They were sitting on James' sofa sipping tea.

"Just two weeks ago you were telling me to contact him," Phil pointed out, eyebrows furrowed.

"Then I saw how bad you were really feeling about it all. You're happy, why ruin that?"

"But I'm not happy. I thought leaving him and not talking to him would make me feel better, but it hasn't. If anything it's made me worse." Phil wasn't lying. At first, he thought he was okay, but soon realised how wrong he was.

"Phil, you asked my opinion and I gave it. I know how much Dan means to you, but if you weren't happy why stay in that situation? You were calling me almost every night with another argument you and Dan had endured. It wasn't a good environment. You can say you're not happy now, but that won't be true for long. As soon as you finally realise how unhappy you actually were with Dan, you'll understand why this is best for you." James finished his mug, then placed it on the table.

"Jay, I was miserable, I know that. It was a constant battle not to finally lash out and hurt Dan. I just miss him."

"I know you do." He rubbed Phil's arm lightly, who smiled at him. "If you go running back now though, nothing is going to be solved. You'll go back, and the arguments will start all over again. Give yourself time to heal properly, Phil. I know you like to put others happiness first, but you really need to think about you for a moment. Think about how much happier you and Dan will be after realising just how much you need each other."

"I realise that already. That was most of the problem." Phil fiddled with his hands.

"What do you mean?"

"He's constantly clinging on to me. It was like he couldn't manage a simple task on his own. At first I thought it was endearing, but the longer it went on the more frustrating it got. He can't cook, he can barely make himself a tea. He's useless on his own. What if he's burnt the house down?"

"Phil, I highly doubt Dan is that bad."

"You'd be surprised. He's almost burnt the house down before."

James laughed. "Oh God how?"

Phil grinned, his thoughts running to the time Dan had offered to cook him dinner.

 

**Flashback start**

"Philly, I'm making dinner tonight."

"But you can't cook," Phil replied, his eyes not leaving his laptop screen.

"I'm reading it from a recipe. Please, let me cook this once?"

"Okay, knock yourself out." Phil's head snapped to his brunette friend. "Not literally though."

"Oh damn, I really wanted to do that."

"Well don't. I really don't want you to burn the house down," he joked.

"I'm not that bad," Dan whined, pouting out his bottom lip.

"You really are, but have fun."

Dan walked off into the kitchen. He really wanted to make a nice dinner for Phil, just as a way to tell him how much he appreciated him. It was supposed to be a nice gesture. Dan pulled out the ingredients. The meal was all going swimmingly, until he did the dumbest thing possible. He put a tea towel on the side, the edge against the fire of the hob, then walked back out into the living room where Phil was sat still staring at his laptop screen.

"I hope what I'm making will be alright."

"I'm sure, if you followed the recipe correctly, it will be delightful."

Dan and Phil sat in quiet for a while, until Phil piped up. "Um, can you smell something burning?"

Dan sniffed the air. "Um, I'll go check."

Dan patted Phil's shoulder, sending him a smile. He then stood up, walked back into the kitchen, and swiftly screamed. The oven top was on fire, and smoke filled the kitchen. The fire alarm blared. Phil ran to Dan, hand over his mouth to block out the smoke.

"What happened?" Phil asked, rushing to put the fire out and turn the alarm off. Dan didn't reply, he just stood staring at the black scarred floor and walls. Phil had managed to put the fire out successfully before anything too extreme happened, but they would still need to replace their oven, and possibly have to wallpaper the walls once again.

"I'm so sorry, Phil," Dan eventually said.

"How could you be so stupid?"

Dan looked down at the floor. "I-I didn't realise it was there."

Phil took a few strides towards Dan, and lifted his arms. Dan thought he was going to hit him, not that Phil ever had. Instead, Phil wrapped his arms around Dan's torso and pulled him in for a hug. "It's okay. Let's order pizza."

"You're not angry?" Dan pulled away from Phil.

"Yes, and no. It was an accident, but maybe we should save all the cooking for me?"

Dan grinned slightly. "Deal."

Phil hugs Dan again. "What are you going to do without me, Dan?"

"Hopefully I'll never have to find out," Dan whispered, nuzzling his face into the crook of Phil's neck.

**Flashback end**

 

"Wow." James laughed after Phil finished his story. "You really are meant to be."

"Yeah," Phil replied, airily.

"I knew it!" James shouted, making Phil jump.

"What?"

"You're in love with him," James said, smiling.

"Who?"

"Don't act dumb, Phil. You're in love with Dan. That's why being apart is so painful for you."

Phil put his head in his hands. "Fuck," he muttered. "Are you disgusted?" Phil asked, looking up at James and playing with his hands nervously.

"Why would I be disgusted?" He asked, still smiling at the black haired boy in front of him. "Hell, I ship it," James joked, elbowing Phil lightly.

Phil smiled at him. "Thanks for everything, James. You're a great friend."

"I'm always here. No matter what you decide to do with yourself, I'll be here to help whenever you need it."

Phil placed his hand on James' shoulder lightly. "Same goes for you, Jay."

"I know, man."

"I should get going. Thanks again."

James and Phil hugged before Phil went on his merry way back to the hotel. Phil walked down the street, kicking stones as he went. His mind raced with the options of things he could do about Dan. It was a hard choice. What if James was right? What if he went home, and the arguments started again? Would he and Dan's friendship survive more arguments? No. If they had any more arguments, it would really be screwed. But, what if James is wrong? What if Phil goes home and everything is okay? Haven't they been apart for long enough? Phil ran his fingers through his black hair and sighed. He'd made his decision, it was hard but he knows it's the right thing for him and Dan.

* * *

Dan didn't know what to do with himself. He'd tried taking a nap but his brain wouldn't shut up. Every time he closed his eyes, images of Phil flashed in his head, sending him into a spiral of self-hatred over how he had treated Phil. It had been the same for weeks now, he couldn't stop thinking about Phil and how he was really doing.

Dan sat on the edge of Phil's made bed, his fingers running over the soft material of his duvet cover. "Why? Why did I make you hate me so much? Why did I start constant fights?" Dan cried, tears running down his face, unable to hold back pent up emotions. He hated how weak Phil leaving had made him feel. 

Later that day, Dan sat on his piano stall, his fingers running softly over the keys, a sad melody erupting smoothly from the large instrument. He had his eyes closed as he swayed slightly with every note, willing himself not to cry. Dan had started writing this piece the day after Phil left, and despite the fact it made him sad, he was proud of it. He finished the last note, then closed the lid. He lent his elbows on the closed piano lid, and rested his head in his hands.

"I've always loved hearing you play."

Dan turned his head so fast he was surprised he didn't hurt his neck. His eyes were sparkling with tears. "Are you really here?"

Phil touched his own arm lightly. "I think so," he said, a smile on his face.

Dan didn't know whether he wanted to hug or slap the boy in his doorway. He stood up off his seat and approached Phil warily. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you come back? Why did you never call, or even just send me a little text? Why did you leave?" Dan's voice wavered as he tried not to cry.

"I came back because I missed you. I didn't call or text because I was avoiding you. I left because I love you." Phil slightly faltered at the term. He and Dan had told each other that plenty of times, but he knew this time he didn't mean as a friend. This time it meant more. A whole lot more.

"You love me?" Dan wiped his wet eyes. "Are you staying?" He whispered, looking at the floor and not at Phil.

"I do love you." He took a step forwards, took Dan's chin lightly and lifted so Dan was looking right in his eyes. "And I'm not going anywhere."

Dan was nervous. He wanted to scream at Phil, he wanted to shout and cause another argument over everything that happened since Phil walked away. But he knew if he did that, he'd just be pushing Phil away, and he couldn't handle that. Not again.

"These past few weeks have been torture. I've missed you more than words can describe. Your scent. Your eyes. Your face. Your piano playing. Your lips." Phil whispered the last words, blushing slightly. He didn't know what was making him so confident, he just felt like he was on top of the world.

"I missed you too, Phil." Dan didn't know what else to say. He'd been planning for weeks what he'd say to Phil if he ever returned, and now all those words were gone. Only, Dan didn't need to say anything else as Phil leant forwards and brushed his lips softly against Dan's.

"I never want to be apart again."

Dan shook his head, not trusting his voice. Phil had just kissed him. Phil, the man he thought would never return his feelings, or to their house, had kissed him. It had been a mere butterfly kiss, but it was perfect nonetheless.

"I'll order us some food, we have a lot to catch up on," Phil said dropping Dan's chin. He began to walk away.

"Wait, Phil!" Dan shouted.

Phil turned on his heel. "Yeah?"

Dan flung himself at Phil. His arms wrapped tightly around his neck, and his head rested in the crook of Phil's neck. Phil giggled, and returned Dan's tight hug. Eventually, Dan loosened his grip a bit. He rested his forehead against Phil's. "Just making sure."

"Of what?"

"That you really are here."

"Oh, Dan. I'm sorry for these past few weeks."

"Let's just forget they ever happened, okay?"

"I'm more than alright with that."

"Good. Oh, and I love you too by the way."

"I'm glad."

Phil closed the small space between them. Their lips moved in perfect synchrony.

* * *

** Dan's POV **

I lay on the sofa, my head in Phil's lap. His hands play absently with my hair as we watch an episode of Buffy. We'd been in practically the same position since the food arrived about four hours ago. We hadn't spoke much, just enjoying the long overdue time together. It was nice, I'd really missed quiet nights on the sofa with him. What made this night better though, was the fact every now and then Phil would lean down a press a butterfly kiss to my forehead. It really was the perfect situation.

Phil's hand pushed my hair from my forehead, and twirled his fingers in the natural locks.

"Dan?"

"Yeah?" I removed my eyes from the TV and locked them with Phil's.

"Did I ever tell you I love you?"

"Quite a lot, yes." I smiled up at him.

"Good. It'll never not be true, I hope you know that." His cheeks were flushed slightly.

"I'm glad. I'll never get bored of hearing it." My eyes flicked to his jumped covered wrist, I hadn't checked them for new cuts, but would that ruin the mood? Would Phil get angry at me?

"What's wrong, Dan?"

"Huh?"

"You look worried."

"I was just thinking about something."

"And what's that?" He asked, his tongue poking between his teeth as he smiled at me.

"You, mostly."

"How sweet."

"Not really," I replied, furrowing my eyebrows.

"Why not?"

"I was just remembering a few years back, and how I had to comfort you after seeing something not quite right."

Phil's smile dropped. "What do you mean?"

I took Phil's hand lightly in my own, and pulled the sleeves up. Nothing. I let out a sigh of relief, then did the same to the other one. No new cuts, his wrists were bare with the exception of really faint scars.

"Thank you," I whispered, looking up at him.

"I made you a promise, Dan, and I will never break it."

Phil leaned down, and connected our lips. When he pulled away, my lips tingled. I wanted more. I grabbed Phil's collar and pulled him back to my lips.

"Dan, I'm uncomfortable," Phil whined.

I lifted my head from Phil's lap, stood up then straddled his lap. "Comfier?"

"Definitely."

I collided our lips back together. My fingers tangled into Phil's hair, whilst his hands trailed under my shirt exploring my bare skin. I removed my lips from his hair and placed them on his neck, little butterfly kisses. Phil's head dropped back against the top of the sofa as my lips explored every bit of bare skin they could. Phil moaned as I sucked lightly in his neck.

"Are you marking me?" He whispered, his voice barely audible.

"You bet I am."

"The fans, Dan," Phil struggled out as I sucked a new piece of bare skin.

"We'll just have to get something to cover it."

Phil's nails dug into my back as he threw his head back further. "Fuck me, Dan."

"What?" I looked into Phil's blue eyes.

"I said, 'fuck me, Dan'."

"I heard what you said, Phil."

"Then why ask?"

"Are you serious?"

"I mean, if you want?"

"Of course I want, but are you, like, ready?"

"One hundred percent."

"Uhh." I rubbed the back of my head. "Let's, um, go to my room then?"

"I'd love too."

I scrambled off of Phil's lap, put my hand out and helped him up. "Such a gentlemen."

"You know it." I winked, then began to walk away.

"Wait!"

"Yeah?"

Phil took a step forwards, and grabbed me pulling me close. "I want to make this romantic. Wait?"

"Are you for real? Any time with you is going to be romantic."

"Dan, this is our first time. I want it to be perfect. Can you wait for just a few minutes?"

"I'd wait a life time for you, Phil."

"Thanks."

Phil kissed my cheek then skipped out of the front room, humming to himself. I sat myself back on the sofa, my obvious erection pressing against my jeans painfully.

* * *

**Phil's POV**

I skipped into my room, to get the rose petals I'd bought earlier that day. I was planning on giving Dan a huge 'I'm home' with rose petals and candles, but it was set aside when I heard his piano playing. It was too enticing not to make my big entrance at that moment.

I carried the bag of rose petals into Dan's room, and spread them all over the place. I set them all over his duvet, and a trail running from his open door to his bed. I threw them over the piano and the chest of drawers. When I was happy with the rose petals, I moved to his fairy lights. I turned all the small strings of lights on, then the light off. I stared around at his finished room. It was perfect. More romantic than I could of imagined.

I walked out of the room, and back to the front room. Dan was lying back on the sofa, his breathing heavy. He'd fallen asleep during my bedroom romanticizing. I smiled to myself. "He's so adorable." I walked forwards, put one hand under his legs and the other around his back, then lifted him, bridal style. I carried him to my room, and placed him on my bed. He instantly curled up, his head on my pillow. I undid his jeans, then slowly, carefully slid them down his legs. Thankfully, he didn't wake up. I disposed of them on my floor then changed into pyjama bottoms and lay down beside him, my arm thrown over his waist.

"I really do love you, Dan."

* * *

** Dan's POV **

I woke to a dark room, and arm draped over my waist. Where was I? A small sound behind me caused me to jump. I turned over, trying not to wake the sleeping man beside me. His eyes were closed, and his hair was messy over his face. Phil. I breathed out. How did I get here? Last thing I remember, I was sat on the sofa waiting for Phil to return. Had I fallen asleep? Had Phil carried me here?

I slid out from under Phil's arm, and stood up. I stretched out my limbs, trying not to make too much noise. I tip-toed out of Phil's room and towards mine. I was shocked as I walked into my room. My curtains were drawn, all my little string lights were on and rose petals covered practically every surface.

"Damn, Phil," I said, grinning. "You really went all out."

I turned on my heel and made my way back to Phil's room. I made a running sprint, and jumped onto his bed. "Phil! Wake up!" I shouted, jumping around. Phil groaned, covering his face with his arm.

"Go away, Dan." He rolled over, his back to me.

"Phiiiil!" I sat down on the bed behind him. "Get up!" I shook him, making him turn over.

"You're mean," he groaned, his arm covering his face.

"Philly, wake up!" I shouted, shaking him even more.

He moved his arm. "I hate you," he said, despite the smile that was spread across his face. I burst out laughing.

"You're awake!"

"I didn't really have much of a choice, did I?" Three years on and his morning voice was still the sexiest thing I'd ever heard.

"Nope," I replied, grinning down at him.

"Pass me my glasses."

I leant over to his night stand and grabbed his glasses, then passed them to him.

"Thanks," he said, taking them from me and slipping them on his face.

"Any time."

"Sleep well?" He asked, sitting up.

"For the first time in a long time, yes. I slept amazingly. How about you?"

"I would of slept better if a certain someone didn't rudely awaken me," he answered, glaring playfully at me.

"You love me."

"Too right." Phil tackled me to the bed, laughing into my neck.

"Get off!" I yelled, trying to wiggle out of his tight grip.

"'fraid not."

"Phil! My neck!"

Phil placed butterfly kisses across my neck. I squirmed under them, the feeling of my neck being touched sending rhythms of horror through my body.

"You're too easy, Dan." Phil laughed, rolling off me.

"You're an arse."

"Am not!" 

I straddled Phil's hips. "Are too." Phil's cheeks were tinted red, and his breathing was heavy.

"I think you'll find you're wrong, Howell."

"Ugh, why are you so cute?"

"Shut up," Phil replied, blushing deeper.

"Make me."

Phil knew exactly what I was offering to him, he made that pretty obvious. He grabbed my collar, and pulled me down to close the space between us. "Let's make the most of your surprise."

"You weren't supposed to see that yet," Phil moaned, pouting.

"I didn't mean too, I was just going to my room to change."

"It ruins the surprise though."

"I'll act surprised. Take me to bed, Phil."

"Well, technically we're already on a bed."

"Oh aren't you a funny one."

"Why thank you, Daniel."

I cringed. "Come on, off to my room."

* * *

**Phil's POV**

Dan crawled off of me, I let out a sigh. "Dan, wait."

"I was going too."

I rolled off of my bed, and stood in front of Dan. "As you've already seen the room, I need to make this extra romantic."

"You're such a sap, Philip."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm going to pick you up, okay?"

"Is that safe?"

"I carried you in here last night, I think I can manage."

"Let's go then."

I picked Dan up bridal style again, his arms wrapped around my neck loosely.

"Damn, Phil. You're strong."

I laughed. Dan nuzzled his head in my neck as I made my way to his room. I walked into the open door, and placed Dan down on the bed.

"This is beautiful, Phil."

"Thank you." I looked around the room, it really was beautiful. It smelt pretty amazing too. Unfortunately, the petals were slightly wilted. "It would of been better last night though."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Dan mocked, his mouth turned up in a grin.

"I suppose I can forgive you, on one condition."

"What's that?"

"You make love to me, right here, right now."

"Deal."

* * *

Dan and Phil lay, their limbs tangled together under Dan's duvet. Dan's head rested on Phil's chest, listening to Phil's rapid heartbeat.

"Phil?"

"Yeah?" Phil's voice was soft, and tired sounding.

"Was that everything you imagined?" Dan asked, looking up at Phil.

"Everything and more," Phil replied, smiling.

"Same."

"I need to tell you something, Dan."

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

Dan giggled. "I love you too, Philly." Dan kissed Phil's chest lightly. "I love you so much."

"We're exactly where we're supposed to be, right?"

"I wouldn't have us any other way."

Phil tightened his grip around me slightly. "We'll be okay, won't we?" Phil's voice sounded vulnerable, scared.

"Of course. You're the light of my life, Phil."

Phil felt a tear drop on his chest. "You too, Dan."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it! Maybe in the future I'll write an epilogue or something for this, but for now it's done! Thank you so much for reading, and feedback is always nice!


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